Have a laugh. :-)

Definitions Of Marriage

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘y’ becomes silent.
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
They say marriage is a contract. No, its not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting silly, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house.
Marriage is like an army where everyone complains but you’d be surprised by how many re-enlist.
Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunders, lightning, tornados and hailstorms.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.
There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
Marriage certificate is just another word for work permit.
Marriage is not a word. It is a life sentence.



Cool Signs.

Over at the gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones at your cervix.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

At a dry cleaners: “Drop your pants here.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak”

Outside a muffler’s shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In the front yard of the funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”


Mary had a little lamb,
A lobster and some prunes,
A glass of milk, a piece of pie,
And then some macaroons;
It made the naughty waiters grin
To see her order so;
And when they carried Mary out,
Her face was white as snow.


AUDI – Always Unsafe Designs Implemented.

BMW – Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Break My Window

FIAT – Fix It All the Time
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD – First On Rust and Deterioration
Found On Road, Dead.
Fix Or Repair Daily.
Fault of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill.

GM – Great Mistake.

HONDA – Had One Never Did Again.

HYUNDAI – Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive.

MAZDA – Most Always Zipping Along Dangerously.

PINTO – Put In New Transmission Often.

PONTIAC – Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It’s a Cadillac.

SAAB – Send All Automobiles Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA – Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

VOLVO – Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

VW – Virtually Worthless.


Three men died and were taken by St Peter to the top of a cliff.

He said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens on earth that they would be given one chance to be anything they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the sky and shouted, “I want to be an eagle.” Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the sky and shouted, “I want to be an owl.” Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and shouted, “Holy cow…!”


For Drivers Only.

45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah.
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee.
75 mph: Nearer My God To Thee.
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home.
95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home.
100 mph and over: Precious Memories.


Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.


Life Before The Computer.

An application was for employment
A program was a show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was the piano!

Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress is something you did to garbage
Not something you do to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for quite awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long journey on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A backup happened to your commode!

Cut – You did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
A virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I head nobody’s been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead!


And Jesus said, “Who do you think I am?”

And they answered, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kergyma in which we found the ultimate meaning of our interpersonal relationship.”

And Jesus said, “What?”


A new preacher at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After service he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the bishop’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after service, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the hell out of him.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”


High Tech Psalm.

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.

He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart;
All of His commands are user-friendly;
His directory guides me to the right choices for His name’s sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no bugs, for He is my backup.
His password protects me, He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies;
His help is only a stroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
And my files will be merged with His and saved forever.


Happy reading!
Enjoy!


Love,
Caroline.
XXX